Just attempted to call Denny’s like the world’s dumbest person because everyone knows, Denny’s doesn’t have phones.

“This is your stress manifesting” I whisper as I crank the shower handle past the symbol of a flaming sun

PSA: don’t feed my mom’s dog after 7pm or she might projectile vomit all over your nice carpet

The fact that I got to meet Eleanor in a Denny's and go to Goatman's Bridge with her and other Cryptids to take a blurry photograph is probably in my top ten moments of this decade.

you have the right to scream at ass; if you are unable to scream at own ass, an ass will be provided for you

Give me your grumpiest cashier. Life’s too short for pleasantries while you’re bagging the spinach we both know I’m not going to eat

I’ve never wanted to “blue skadoo, you can too” into a photo so much in my life

I left for 2 weeks and Mastodon cultivated a new breed of weird. Once again, I shall retreat into the darkness

We got a Venus Fly Trap and...

A. Her name is Helen
B. Mr. Squid is searching the house trying to find bugs to feed her

Give the Masto Twitter account to the skeleton. I will bring untold glory upon the brow of my countrypersons. @Gargron

I fooled you. I fooled you.

I got baking soda. I got all baking soda.

Lmao gab is now on Masto and claims almost a million users but I ain't heard shit about it because they were suspended by every reputable instance weeks ago.

The epic thing is they can still see my posts, I just can't see theirs. How's that echo chamber, guys?? What's that? I can't hear you!!!

When you see the name “Niles” do you read it in Frasier’s voice or Fran Fine’s?

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