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if u boost this your crush will kiss you at midnight. i am anti-crush and take no pleasure in reporting this

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me: ok so being trans is like, if you had a stakeboard that was really good at doing kickflips, but instead of kickflips, your skateboard really wanted to do grind rails, because of who it was instead
tony hawk: i told you, im a grown adult, you dont need to use skateboards to explain things to be. also it's 2019 i know what being trans is
me: *pats him on the head* good boy

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trying to lure sailors to their death. its so hard nowadays cuz all the sailors cant stop looking at their phones

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real cookie monsters are a lot scarier than tv would have you believe

“nugget don’t kiss me, there’s only one girl i want to kiss me and that’s queen elizabeth the third” - a @jojo that’s so drunk he can’t stand

he’s going through all 30 of my house plants and reviewing them all like he’s the roger ebert of house plants or something

no one knows when the day of reckoning will come, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only The Papa John

people think it's all fun and games when you lease a monster truck. but they have no idea what the insurance rates are on these fucking things. through the goddamn roof

@j997922 I got you on this. Women need to be treated like pigeons. If you don't like something your girlfriend is doing, run up to her real fast and shake your hands in the air. Then she'll just fly away and you'll never have to see her again.

@​socialskeleton@​ it’s maddie

@Picklemaddierix @penelopie__ me, when live and learn is played as the encore: OPEN UP THE PIIIIIT!!!

@Picklemaddierix @penelopie__ yes i know god crush 40 needs to tour so all us late 20s memelords lose our shit

mario games are for cringelord kiddies, REAL GAMERS play sonic. nuff said.

someone needs to make American Dad Opening in 0.5 A Presses (Commentated)

Jer coming back is like that scene in Endgame where all the portals open up and Captain America says "I'm drinkng silver to be like the blue guy from watchmen"

trans + 

mrw the salvation army guys try and get me to donate when I go into walmart

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