This is my final toot, for now. I hope that my work is done soon, that our hearty chuckles may resume as they always do. Before I go, I want to leave you with something to think about:

Dogs with heads that are too small for their body

I work hard to ensure the safety of this ocean every day, but people can’t see that. So I will do something that they CAN see. Prepare your hearts.

As I near 10,000 toots, I will be taking a step back from Mastodon to reevaluate my role.

Since becoming president of the ocean eight months ago, I have had the time of my life. I opened the border to the arctic and antarctic ocean so we can party with penguins. I disrespected some crabs. I even communed with the mother water.

But my critics say it’s not enough. So I must prove them wrong! There’s a big initiative in the works, and before I luxuriate in the big 10k, I plan to see it through.

I started teaching when I was 22 and the state of Texas wants me to work until I’m 62 to retire with full benefits (most of which are funded by my own paycheck, some of which are chipped away at each year, none of which would make for anything resembling a comfortable retirement). All this to say, Capitalism is cruel on public educators.

Fervently praying to whatever uncaring gods might be in my proximity that the sun may never rise again on my cracker bones.

When I first started teaching almost 3 years ago now, Pepe was a staple and beloved joke in my classroom. I was bequeathed the nickname “Mr. Memenson”, a derivative of my real name plus the word “meme”. But now, a few years on, that sad frog has taken on a new meaning.

Those stories tonight on 60 Minutes.

Sometimes my wife asks if her toots are “too much” for Mastodon, but they’re always extremely powerful and must be seen by the people.

What should my next Squidocracy initiative be?

All these weebs crashed Nintendo’s
Servers trying to get their hands on Joker

“It’s not a phase mom!” I yell as I adorn the crown splattered with enemy blood and remove the scepter from Cthulhu’s lifeless tentacle.

17 toots away from 10,000, can’t wait to commemorate it by forgetting I’m at 9,999 and then boosting “Bigfoot Naruto Running Through Smoky Mountains 280p Real Footage Leaked”

mothman is the only cryptid i respect b/c its sightings are more simliar to UFO experiences than cryptid ones

here is a thread of sci-fi and horror short fiction I have enjoyed recently

you can read them all online

Here in the ocean we believe in a REAL democracy, where you aren’t allowed to vote if your beliefs are dumb and wrong by my estimation

Can anyone think of a single realistic use to text someone a *pager* from your *smart phone*??? Who the fuck is making these emojis?

What should my next Squidocracy initiative be?

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C̮͚͉̞̼r̳͔̤̲y͕̱p̣̮͢t̬̠̙͔͘ͅi̪̣͢d̡̦̤̯̺̥ͅs̫̖̫͍̣͙̗ ̦̫̻O͔̩̫̘͜ņ̟̳̣̻̟l̸͈̖͍̥̳͙i̱͙̘ne̶̠̘̥͚

A small, private instance where a few cryptids may roam and play. Seek, but fear. The whole thing was birthed in a Denny's in 2016.