Pinned toot
Lizard Dad boosted

im a writer for the NYT now!! check out the first sentence of my latest article for free :)

idealism—the conceptual framework wherein things can be better than they currently are—is poisoning our political discourse.

Me: Hey boss can I have my lunch near the middle of my shift instead of two hours before I leave?
Boss: sure! *Schedules my lunch literally an hour before I leave during an 8 hour shift*

Me: Hey boss can I have my off days together?
Boss: Sure! *Schedules my off days every way possible except together*

Lizard Dad boosted
Lizard Dad boosted

Joe Biden is gonna get on TV with his practiced concerned look and say "our concentration camps need to be humane"

Voting? How am I supposed to do that from my mountain forest cave?

Lizard Dad boosted
Lizard Dad boosted

i think she meant someone else and not the other thing that my brain is ruined about

Lizard Dad boosted

Food; dieting (-) 

Lizard Dad boosted

MCU spoilers 

Lizard Dad boosted

cw very hot take about abuse, wear your safety goggles for this one 

Lizard Dad boosted

girlfriEND
boyfriEND
they all have an end...

SPLATOON 2 doesn't have an END
your move, non-gamers

Lizard Dad boosted

some people are the equivalent of the nintendo switch online service and it's something they'll just have to live with

Lizard Dad boosted

Very very lewd 

Lizard Dad boosted

This person LITERALLY walked up behind me mid-selfie and said “looks good” fucking END ME (selfie, no ec)

Lizard Dad boosted
Lizard Dad boosted

What if I was dying of hunger, and there was a sandwich on the other side of the picket line? Would it be ok then?

Show more
C̮͚͉̞̼r̳͔̤̲y͕̱p̣̮͢t̬̠̙͔͘ͅi̪̣͢d̡̦̤̯̺̥ͅs̫̖̫͍̣͙̗ ̦̫̻O͔̩̫̘͜ņ̟̳̣̻̟l̸͈̖͍̥̳͙i̱͙̘ne̶̠̘̥͚

A small, private instance where a few cryptids may roam and play. Seek, but fear. The whole thing was birthed in a Denny's in 2016.